Midian City Tober's Diary #17

Tober's diary is composed in a small, hardbound book that she keeps with her.

The first thing I realized once I joined The Pack, was that they're not bad people. In fact, I pretty much like everyone and am already developing friendships here. There's a strong female presence here, and I like it. Right now, we are mainly nekos, but The Pack is open to any race. The only part of their rules I have an issue with is hunting humans. Angela told me that it wasn't necessary for me to hunt if I didn't feel comfortable doing it. Thank god, because I honestly don't think I could hunt anything that could talk back to me.

I did my first patch-up job yesterday, on Dethis. She's always getting herself into trouble; with people outside of The Pack, and with Angela. I swear she must be a masochist. I had to extract a bullet from her, stitch some cuts and treat some abrasions. Afterwards she acted as if nothing happened. I haven't had to be a medic since my time doing post-war relief...it was stressful for me to get back into it again. I don't know why, but sometimes it makes me cry afterwards. I think I just hate seeing people get hurt, and having someone's life in my hands is a huge responsibility. On the other hand, I feel that helping people is my purpose in life, despite the rocky road I've had so far. There's certainly plenty of people to help here.

Being in The Pack isn't all serious...we kick back, relax, have nip, get drunk...all that good stuff. I have to admit, I've been drinking a lot lately. I keep telling myself it's stress, and it probably is, but god I don't want to become an alcoholic. I've been hitting the nip pretty hard lately too. I need to maintain some control. I let things happen that normally probably wouldn't happen if I wasn't fucked up. The other night, my friend Chandra led me behind the Fun House to "talk", and all I can remember of the night is both of us being naked, our bodies pressed against one another, and her touching me. Otherwise it's all a blur. I don't even know how I got back to the den.

I keep thinking about Chandra now, after that night. Was it all a dream? Was I just too fucked up that I imagined it? It's not exactly like I can ask her "Hey, did we have sex the other night?" Ugh, that wouldn't go over well. God, she's so beautiful. Everything about her is graceful and delicate, but not fragile. I don't know what she would see in someone like me...I'm just a scruffy low-class neko barely out of high school, and homeless until recently. She was a model before she came to Midian, and you can tell just by looking at her. She's magnetic...perfect alabaster skin, eyes you can lose yourself in. It's the kind of beauty that will distract you from whatever you are doing.

Anyway, back on topic...I'm not really sure if I understand what is the cause of the animosity between The Pack and the Catwalkers. Maybe it's not for me to know. All I do is relay what I see and hear. Am I doing the right thing? I don't know. I'm just trying to get by. I think about the friendships I'm forming and then I realize that those same friends will probably come to hate me once I leave. It makes me very sad. I hope this is all worth it.

Dita and Tober, standing by the fire in The Pack's den.